Wiki Leak Leaks has provided Revolting Developments with a shocking Homeland Security report which claims a mysterious group of mutant terrorists are to blame for the financial meltdown which began in 2008. Code named: “THE RE-TARDERS,” the mysterious suspects are described in the report as possessing “super human powers,” like, “something from a Hollywood X-Men movie,” and are said to be, “the most dangerous criminals alive.” No information is known regarding The Re-Tarders’ ages, nationality, race or sex.
Below: NSA digital composite based on descriptions by homeless alcoholics and drug addicts of a figure seen lurking on street outside White House, just before President Barack Obama chose to re-appoint Bush appointee Ben Bernake to again be Chairman of Federal reserve in 2010.
Below are various profiler suspect renderings and samples of videos which are believed to capture Re-Tarder attacks as they occurred.
Video of Ben Bernanke, according to the report, under Re-Tarder control on several separate occasions: Stating in 2005 that housing prices were not then unrealistic, stating in 2006 that the then beginning housing crash would definitely not spread to other parts of US economy, and stating 2007 that the American financial crises would have no effect on the rest of the world.
More recent Bernake testimony in which he confidently states that he will know just when to stop lending money to banks at 0%, in time to head anarchy created by resulting hyper-inflation:
According to the report: Authorities are not even sure if Re-Tarder abilities require the attackers to necessarily be present in the vicinity of the individual over whom control is taken, or how many “Re-Tarders” actually exist.
Speaking off the records, a homeland security official stated: “It’s incredibly frightening, but at least we know what exactly it is and that all this trouble has nothing to do with any sort of public policy.”